


Why won't you love me

by cottoncandyboys



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:47:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24212350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottoncandyboys/pseuds/cottoncandyboys
Summary: It's not supposed to sting like this. Dongyoung has never been a sentimental person but there are exceptions and he's so angry that Donghyuck is the exception. His game of push and pull is a big headache, a migraine, and Dongyoung hates how he can't imagine himself without it. Hates how he can't imagine not having Donghyuck justthere, where he can see.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 138





	Why won't you love me

**Author's Note:**

> so i have been in a big writing slump since last year and i decided to try out writing something a little shorter like less than 1k words but here i am lol
> 
> title from 5sos
> 
> no beta done lol

Dongyoung is pissed.

Thinking about what had happened earlier on the day gets him extremely annoyed and he wishes he would just _stop_ recalling it in detail. It also makes him remember other situations, better and a lot more pleasant ones although he also recalls others that weren't so nice. He doesn't know how Donghyuck manages to get on his nerves without even trying that hard.

First he's all cute and nice to Dongyoung. Asking for hugs and cuddles but all of a sudden Donghyuck is pushing him away, not saying a word. Honestly, Dongyoung doesn't want to be this shaken and he should probably be more than just used to this but it also hurts.

He knows he's not stupid, on the contrary, he has come into terms with the things he feels for some time already. But the thing with acknowledging what you feel is that you overthink almost everything. Dongyoung has always been like this.

It gets him thinking about the good moments, if they mean anything to Donghyuck at all or if it's just him. Sometimes engulfed in the darkness of his room, Dongyoung spends very long moments replaying words and small gestures, smiling to himself and then closing his eyes in frustration because he's not supposed to be harboring a crush on one of the members. He's not supposed to have his heart beat faster when Donghyuck reaches out for his hand when there are other eight boys available - not including the dreamies - or the times he looks at Dongyoung when he's insecure, searching for assurance. He's also not supposed to be crushed when Donghyuck is mean to him or when he looks for someone else for comfort.

But maybe Dongyoung is being selfish. Maybe Donghyuck doesn't intend to hurt him - obviously, he doesn't do most things on purpose - but Dongyoung gets anxious over these things, the way Donghyuck treats him sometimes or just like earlier when there was a rare moment in which Dongyoung actually initiated skinship but Donghyuck literally kicked him off the couch because apparently he prefers Johnny's company.

Not letting the hurt in his eyes show was easy. Dongyoung brushed it off as nothing and left the living room, closing himself in his bedroom while the two and some other members stayed there to watch a movie.

Nobody knocks on his door to ask if he's alright, even with Dongyoung not leaving it for the rest of the day. He's pretty sure none of them noticed, he shouldn't get so hung up on this.

He shouldn't but it's way past midnight and he can't sleep. It's been hours of him on his bed in the dark, recalling all those bad and good moments he had with Donghyuck. It's been hours of Dongyoung overanalyzing every single thing he considers relevant that Donghyuck ever did or said to him.

It's not supposed to sting like this. Dongyoung has never been a sentimental person but there are exceptions and he's so angry that Donghyuck is the exception. His game of push and pull is a big headache, a migraine, and Dongyoung hates how he can't imagine himself without it. Hates how he can't imagine not having Donghyuck just _there_ , where he can see.

His thoughts are cut short when his stomach complains out loud. He feels a hollow inside him and remembers that he skipped dinner in order not to see Donghyuck or Johnny, who's not at fault but he can't help but feel pissed at his friend. He stands up slowly, rubs his eyes and grabs a hoodie, a cap and a face mask. He is so not cooking and making noise, he doesn't want to wake anyone up at this hour. Fishing for his phone, Dongyoung looks up a place nearby that's still open and leaves the dorms - all lights are off and nobody seems to be up and if they are, they're in the privacy of their own rooms. That's something Dongyoung has to be thankful for, now each member has their own room and they don't all stay on the same floor, so for one thing is sure, Dongyoung is most likely not going to cross paths with who he doesn't want to see at the moment.

The place is three blocks from the dorms and Dongyoung is surprised that none of them went there already. It's a small restaurant, almost unnoticeable if he wasn't actually searching for it. He enters without ceremony, he's hungry as hell and his anger turned a little into sadness and food is always a nice way to get some comfort. The night is cold - it's almost 1am, Dongyoung shouldn't have been expecting it to be warm in the midst of autumn - and Dongyoung decides to indulge himself a little, he feels like he deserves it. So he orders a large serving of kimchi stew and a bottle of soju because drowning his sadness with booze is a great idea.

The food arrives boiling and the soju is as cold as possible. Dongyoung eats and drinks it all in the span of half an hour. He's tipsy and his stomach is full. He's definitely happier than before.

With the hoodie on and his hands in his pockets, Dongyoung makes his way back to the dorms, enters the building and slowly goes up the stairs so he doesn't trip on his own feet and ends up breaking his neck. Looking down and suddenly back at thinking about everything that was in his mind earlier, Dongyoung reaches the right floor and sighs. He hears shuffling coming from the end of the corridor, the exact place the dorms are on this floor and he squints, seeing a dark figure leaning on the wall.

He wonders about the possibilities of it being a thief that managed to get inside the building but the figure doesn't look threatening. The person actually looks nervous and Dongyoung notices who it is when he's two apartments away from his destination.

It's Donghyuck. Dongyoung closes his eyes and sighs. He doesn't know how he knew Dongyoung was out, it was probably just luck on Donghyuck's part.

"Hyung," Donghyuck mumbles and reaches out for Dongyoung but Dongyoung avoids his hands and busies himself with opening the door. " _Hyung_."

He lets the boy get inside but goes straight to his room. He hears Donghyuck locking the door and his muffled footsteps coming after him. Dongyoung is not sure if he wants to talk to Donghyuck in his current state, he's lowkey drunk and he's not sure he can even trust himself.

"Hyung!" Donghyuck whispers insistently and follows Dongyoung into his room, not even asking if he is actually allowed to enter it. "Are you mad?"

"No," Dongyoung answers too fast and throws the hoodie and cap on the chair before sitting on his bed - the face mask has been on his pockets since he left the restaurant -, the room is dark and silent aside from their breathing. Donghyuck is not speaking but Doyoung can almost hear his thoughts by the way he's hesitating. He feels his bed dipping and knows that Donghyuck has taken a place right by his side, close but not too close. Dongyoung has known Donghyuck for a long time and he is sure the boy is fidgeting with his fingers. He hates how he thinks it's endearing.

"You're mad," it's an affirmation and Dongyoung is not about to deny it because Donghyuck is not stupid either and has learned to read most of Dongyoung's feelings by now. "Did I do anything wrong?" he has the audacity to ask, the simple question gets Dongyoung fuming inside.

"That's for me to know and for you to think about," he says at last. "Would you please leave so I can sleep? You can take my key with you, I'll retrieve it later."

Dongyoung wants Donghyuck to leave him alone but deep inside, Dongyoung knows he wants him to go against his words and stay but he knows that when Donghyuck is sure Dongyoung is truly angry, he's bound to actually do as requested in order not to make him even angrier.

"Okay," Donghyuck mutters and gets up, Dongyoung feels the weight leaving his bed and he bites his lower lip, trying to hold himself from doing anything dumb. "Goodnight."

The click of the door closing eases Dongyoung's breathing, he feels bad for not giving Donghyuck speaking space but this is for the best. He tells himself that a few more times.

Half an hour after Donghyuck left, Dongyoung decides to get up from his bed now that he's less drunk and brush his teeth before sleeping. Already on his pajamas, he tiptoes all the way to the bathroom so he doesn't wake up anyone and, when he's on the way back to his bedroom, he sees a faint light coming from the living room.

Dongyoung tells himself a million times that he shouldn't go there but his feet betray him and he silently walks toward the light of Donghyuck's cell phone screen.

"Why didn't you leave?" Dongyoung hisses loud enough so Donghyuck hears him. The boy startles and Dongyoung feels bad for a second. "You should sleep in your room, on the tenth floor, not here."

"I want to talk to you," Donghyuck whispers, turning his phone off, the only source of light coming from the crack in the window that's not covered by a curtain. "So I'm gonna wait until tomorrow."

The boy is stubborn and Dongyoung knows it, so he throws his hands up and turns around.

"Hyung," Donghyuck whispers, giving it a try again. " _Please_."

Dongyoung stops, sighs in frustration, messes his hair up and already regrets his decision but he turns around and walks back to where Donghyuck is. In utter silence, Dongyoung sits down on the spot next to Donghyuck and crosses his arms.

"What do you want?" Dongyoung says harshly and he observes as Donghyuck flinches.

Dongyoung sighs loudly and leans against the couch, staring up at the dark ceiling.

"I'm sorry," Donghyuck mumbles. "For being shit to your earlier."

There's a moment of silence before Dongyoung speaks up.

"You know it's not just about that, right?"

A million things go through Dongyoung's mind after he says that. Dongyoung thinks about the times Donghyuck hugs him and then later on destroys a little part of him with words. He thinks of the many times that he had to hold his tongue and not be mean back because he didn't want to make him taste his own poison. The times he joked and Donghyuck replied with something mean.

He thinks and thinks and thinks because Donghyuck is not saying anything else.

"What is it about then?" Donghyuck asks after minutes pass, his tone is painted with confusion and Dongyoung is sure Donghyuck knows what he's talking about but he decides to entertain the boy - maybe the alcohol is still having some effects on him.

"It's about the way you treat my feelings like they're nothing," Dongyoung starts. "That you can just step on my heart multiple times and it won't hurt."

Donghyuck remains silent for a solid minute.

"You know it's not like this," Donghyuck whispers and tentatively reaches out for Dongyoung's elbow. He grabs the fabric of his shirt and tugs at it. "I don't want to hurt you."

With a single movement, Dongyoung pulls away from Donghyuck's grip and stares at the boy's face in the dark, his sight already used to the darkness. He sees the expression on Donghyuck's face, it's a mix of guilt and desolation.

"I'm sorry," Donghyuck sniffs and Dongyoung holds himself not to reach out and hold his hand. "It's just that, I don't want to get hurt."

Dongyoung honestly is not too sure if he understands where Donghyuck is trying to get.

"You're so mean sometimes too," Dongyoung can picture Donghyuck pouting as he says that. "There are moments that I feel like you hate me."

"That's not true," Dongyoung states firmly and Donghyuck sniffs again, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "I'll never hate you."

For some reason unknown to Dongyoung, Donghyuck snorts and lets out a low dry laugh.

"I wish you would."

If there is one thing Dongyoung wishes is that it'd be the opposite. Donghyuck's mood swings when it comes to the way he treats Dongyoung is a never ending rollercoaster of hope and despair. Dongyoung wishes Donghyuck would hate him so it would be so much easier not to love him.

Dongyoung freezes. That's when it sinks.

"Why?" he asks, his heart on his throat.

"So I wouldn't love you the way I do," Donghyuck says and lets out a shaky breath. "So it wouldn't hurt like this."

On a whim, Dongyoung turns his body to Donghyuck and scoots closer. He watches as the boy widens his eyes and backs away a little. Tentatively, Dongyoung puts one hand on Donghyuck's shoulder.

"Hyung?" Donghyuck whispers and Dongyoung feels him shiver when his hand travels up, cupping one of Donghycuk's cheeks softly. Donghyuck's skin is soft like silk and Dongyoung leans closer.

"Tell me to stop," he pleads but Donghyuck closes his eyes and Dongyoung dies a little at that. When he's close to the point that he feels Donghyuck's breathing brush his skin, Dongyoung peeks at his still closed eyes. His mind flashes with memories, he remembers the exact moment when he glanced at Donghyuck and felt his heart skip a beat because the sun was hitting him just right and the many other times he felt like his heart just wouldn't be able to take any of it anymore. His eyes travel down to Donghyuck's lips, hears him biting the inside of his cheeks out of nervousness.

He's more than surprised when he feels Donghyuck's warm hand on his nape. "You're taking too long," he hears Donghyuck mumble before he's crashing their lips together without hesitation.

The kiss lasts no more than five seconds. Dongyoung is both flabbergasted and extremely pleased. He doesn't even know for how long he has been wishing for this. The smile that makes its way to his lips is small but he knows Donghyuck catches it and he sees the way the boy smiles back at him.

"Hyung?" Donghyuck whispers.

"Yeah?"

"Can I sleep with you tonight? I'm too tired to go all the way to my room," Dongyoung feels his cheeks getting warm at the request but, despite being all kinds of mischievous, Dongyoung knows that Donghyuck doesn't have any ulterior motive to be asking that.

"Yeah, sure," he replies quickly, not trusting his words. "I'm tired, let's go now."

They get up from the couch at the same time and Donghyuck grabs the sleeve of his shirt, following Dongyoung as he leads the way in the dark. Once inside the bedroom, Dongyoung hears Donghyuck's body hitting the mattress and fumbling with his blankets. Dongyoung grabs the cell phone from the boy's hands and his own and puts them on the desk before he takes the empty space by Donghyuck's side.

"Hyung?" Donghyuck calls in a whisper and Dongyoung already lost count of how many times he has heard this same word in just one night. "Do you love me?"

The question feels like it's trying to corner him but Dongyoung only senses curiosity in Donghyuck's voice and maybe a little bit of insecurity. He squeezes Donghyuck's arm once. "I do."

Donghyuck breaks into a fit of giggles that Dongyoung wasn't expecting, that causes him to smile.

"I love you too," Donghyuck hugs his arm and buries his face on Dongyoung's shoulder. Dongyoung yawns and feels as Donghyuck's grip on him loosens, already falling asleep and Dongyoung follows suit, his heart light as a feather.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/absolutehaechan)


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